Jay's Silly Words

Tonight, right now, I hope it ends

My goal, on my will, it depends

I open my skin, let truth rush in

And with simple slit, it begins

I hate you for this, but do you know

By reading this, you are not the foe

The true fault, I will keep away

For she, I keep, from this dark day

Shall she find me, I hope not

I love her much, thus my body rot

She will be safe from the guilt

In this safe place for her I have built

The blood will remain unexplained

Her clear conscience I will have gained

As the red soaks my lonely floor

Because for her I wish so much more

In future years she will find glee

From all this red I humbly set free

A better half will find her heart

My end will finally justify my start

My end will disappear in shadows of time

And reveal happiness through act of crime

No one will hear my last cry

But for her, I let myself die

Is a martyr still one if forever unknown

If tonight I leave my arms not sown

If tonight the ends, justified are

From the means I create, so far

I care not, for I know deep down

My own suffering, in happiness will drown

I do this for right, never for wrong

I do this for her, for what she will long

As I step towards the bathroom tub

My openings together, which I rub

I somehow cannot turn the faucet’s hand

On the floor of failure is where I land

She will have to deal for a week or two

Until I find a way to do what I must do

I returned to sheet of paper with a pen in hand

To spill my heart’s sorrows just as I had planned

To continue this routine, expelling inner pain

Using ink in hopes to transfer a past-induced stain

Put it in a place where I can visit at my own will

Instead of a sharp surprise like mid summer chill

Inevitable, however, these random stabs are

Like trying to use my body to stop a moving car

I ponder shortly of my ineffective effort to heal

Wounds remain while my remaining years peel

So what do I use now to calm my troubled self?

Rhetorical question asked as I reach for the shelf

I was already heading here, pen was just the door

Soon I will be content, lying naked on my floor

My fucked up head will then put her at my side

My breathing will get short and my eyes get wide

I’ll laugh at the sky, whisper and kiss at a ghost

Inviting in more of my hallucination’s host

I tell myself this time will finally be the last

The last time I rope myself to this sunk ship’s mast

Maybe tonight these words will finally come true

Perhaps my skin will shrink, and soul seep through

Wishful thinking can become dangerous you see

You can’t give these types of privileges to me

Paralyzed now, my only moving organ is my heart

The one I wish I could turn a switch and restart

Till morning my naked body is my at peace den

Holding onto nothing but this rhetorical pen